you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
