I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
