My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
