I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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