I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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