You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.