I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
