I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
