New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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