Got a toothbrush?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
