You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
