I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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