the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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