There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
