If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
