i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
