I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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