Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
