shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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