your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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