My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
