We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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