Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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