I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
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Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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