So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
