You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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