dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
