I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
