People in love make me want to vomit
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
