Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
MIDGETS
????
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
