i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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