i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
