I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
