you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
