it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
