woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
