For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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