Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
