Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
