I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
