We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
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She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
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It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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