Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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