non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
