So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
