Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
