I smell stomach acid.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
