I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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