Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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