I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
