The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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