I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
