The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
