my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
