I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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