this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just gargled with NyQuil
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
