My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
