Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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