I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
