Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
